Time to reflect. Time to restart.
This past summer/fall has been a time for healing for me.
My mind, body & soul.
Off work since July, I have been privileged to be able go on some great road trip adventures that has taken me and my kids (along with my wonderful life-giving girlfriend Fumika, from Coos Bay, Oregon (south coast) to Kelowna and Lake Country. We’ve also met some mighty fine people along the way; some who we look forward to meet up again soon.
I personally needed this time away from my work life and thoroughly enjoyed these moments with my loved ones and closest of friends.
I have been struggling with very severe bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, high anxiety and mental illness for some time now; this past year being the worst. My not dealing with it when it first reared it’s ugly head has had negative affects for me personally, at work, with friends, even losing some along the way, including my wife Jennifer.
I was just filled with anger, anxiety, frustration and bitterness; thinking it’s someone else’s fault, and never taking responsibility or blame.
Also drinking too much. Way too much. Just made things worse.
Well, it’s time. It’s time to heal me within. It’s time to start apologizing to you; you my friends.
*I am sorry.*
I am sorry for my past behavior, my mouth being the best of me and my worst enemy most of the time.
If I’ve done you wrong in anyway, big or small, I am sorry. Deeply and truly sorry.
Not all of you know what’s been going on, and that’s okay. I keep much of my life private, if you can believe it. I also must respect Jen’s wishes too. That, and the protection of our children Ben and Emma.
Just know that going forward, I’m going to be better at being open, honest, grateful, humble (yes, I said humble).
I’m going to be more sensitive towards others; men & women alike. I’m also looking forward to taking a Sensitivity Training course upon my return to work, of which I just started going back this week.
I’m going to be nicer. Less angry at the world. Blame less, hold more of myself accountable.
I’m going to be a more loyal friend. Although I believe I’m proud of this virtue of mine. I’ve always believed in loyalty.
I’m a good person who’s be dealing with a very mental disease.
Suicidal thoughts were a daily grind for me. Yes me. Mr. Happy. The guy who’s always gregarious and outgoing, “the life of the party guy!”
I am certain of nothing. I will make mistakes again. I just wont repeat them. It’s okay to be wrong. Ive owned up to my past mistakes, I’ve accepted responsibility and I am atoning for my past regressions.
I’ve guess always been a hard learner and that’s okay too.
More than anything, I love to love others. Laugh with anyone and laugh at myself.
Today is World Mental Health Day. Today is a new beginning. From scratch. From nothing. I am okay with that.
I have the love from my children, my parents, girlfriend and close friends.
Although I’ve let many of you down, including myself, I promise to keep pushing forward, think positive, be positive and respectful to others.
I was afraid. Afraid of the truth. Afraid to be laughed at. Afraid to be hated. Afraid to fail once more.
Today, I am no longer afraid...
With Love & Respect,
Blanket BC Society
Warm Hearts Blog
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